Cherished Time

In my heart and mind I do the things I wish I still could:

I close my eyes and lay my head on mom's shoulder while sitting next to her. She rolls her head over and there we sit in calm silence, just being together.

Her love language was quality time. I took me until my mid to late 20s to figure that out.

Interestingly enough that's my dad's love language too.

To make them both feel loved, I'd spend every Sunday after church with them until 10 when I'd drive over to my apartment.

With love language tanks full, we were ready for another week.

I miss those days, but am so grateful for all of them.

There's nothing I wouldn't give for a lazy Sunday afternoon with them.

Grief Journaling

Grief, Part 1

I cry for all the time I've lost with you.

All the memories I have to make without you.

____________________________________________________________

The person who loved me most and best is gone.

Without her I don't feel whole, myself, or fully loved.

I miss her so much that it's hard to breathe.

Song: All Things New by Big Daddy Weave

This song really resonates with me and what I'm going through now.

I Always Knew

I always knew you were a phenomenal mom.

I always knew we had a relationship that was truly special.

I always knew how blessed I was to have you as my mom.

I always knew you loved me.

I always knew you wanted me.

I always knew losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen.

And I was right, about it all.

June 5, 2021

Miss You

With every cell of my body, with every beat of my heart, I miss you.

Time spins on like nothing happened, while my world ground to a halt.

And as it should be, nothing is the same without you.

I long for times spent together.

I long for more time with you.

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much.

Homecoming

I think about what your homecoming to heaven was like.

I imagine you humbly laying a beautiful gold, bejeweled crown with intricate design at the feet of Jesus and hearing, "well done, good and faithful servant...enter now into the joy of your King."

I imagine you smiling with your bright eyes.

I imagine you eagerly greeting friends and family with a hug.

I imagine three of the happiest golden retrievers; our Franky, Max, and Riley following you around with wagging tails. I imagine you saying, "my boys!"

I imagine how free from the tether of an oxygen machine you are, walking and breathing with ease.

I imagine your hands outstretched and your eyes closed praising Jesus as you sing your heart out with the great heavenly choir.

I imagine you free from pain, cancer, lung disease, medicine, and doctor's appointments.

I find peace in knowing you're pain-free in heaven with God.

I will always miss you and can't wait until I see you again.

I love you, momma!

Eulogy for My Mom

My sweet momma, Tanya Ayon Kimble passed away on June 23, 2021. This is the eulogy I wrote for her:

Thank you for coming to honor the life of my precious momma and support my family. As I wrote this, it felt so wrong to speak in past tense about the most vibrant and alive person I’ve ever known. Last Saturday, as we learned that she probably only had days left, she slept all day and I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear her voice again. As I sat beside her and cried, I wrote these words:

I pray you felt my prayers,

I pray you felt my love as I tracked your meds,

as I rearranged your flowers.

I prayed God’s peace and love over you through your labored breaths.

I will always want one more smile,

one more hug,

one more look into those brown eyes,

one more ‘I love you,”

one more time you say my name

and one more time you hold my hand.

And God in His grace gave me most of those precious things that my heart needed and I will always be grateful.

Mom did everything well, especially her brisket 😊, but as a mom she outdid herself. She was empathetic, generous, selfless, loving, and tender. She was born to be a mom and I’m ever grateful to God that she was mine. Anything good in me is from God and her. As I’ve thought about all I would lose in her passing, I’ve challenged myself to grow in the ways I admired her, as an extension of her legacy and I challenge you to do that as well.

First, the cornerstone of my mom’s life was her faith. Seeing her rely on Christ for strength throughout her life and in recent years with her health challenges has been a beautiful testimony.

She never feared death. Assured that because of her faith in Christ and having given Him her life, she knew she would be in heaven with God in the instant she breathed her final breath on this earth. That brought her and our family so much peace.

Mom was a prayer warrior. She would spend most nights praying for everyone she could think of. If she said she was praying for you, then you knew she was. She didn’t worry—she prayed.

She was also was an encourager, reminding us of God’s promises.

She had Christian music playing on her phone all the time and each night listened to scripture for hours. She carried the truths of scripture in her heart and reminded anyone around her of their words. She found peace in His Word. Trying to pick her favorite scriptures to highlight for this service was one of the hardest things. I asked her what her favorite Bible verse was and she picked the whole book of Proverbs. That was Momma—a lover of the Word of God.

Second, there was always so much warmth, love, fun, and joy in her smile and eyes. I’ll never forget the day she took my cousins and me sledding. As we left, she did donuts in the parking lot in her giant Ford LTD. She knew how to have a good time! She loved to laugh and I loved making her laugh. She lived life with fullness and purpose and I know she wants that for me too.

Third, she didn’t worry about the future, but entrusted it to God and lived in the present. She had a genuine love for people and so much empathy, even throughout her battle with cancer. What I found unique about her love was that you didn’t have to do anything to earn it, she just loved freely. She befriended people, added folks to her prayer list, and wrapped us all in her godly outlook on life. I find strength in this moment that I can live in faith that we will be reunited in eternity.

Fourth, our family always joked that the dreamers were my mom and her brother, my Uncle Ted. While sometimes we would roll our eyes and smile at their pie in the sky dreams, it was beautiful, all the things they believed were possible. Their optimism lifted us all. She taught me to dream, no matter how impossible the dream seemed to be. Though, I’m normally a practical thinker, I’m going to dream, just like my mom taught me.

I’ll end with a scripture from her favorite book which mirrors the life she lived, Proverbs 31:28-31:

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;

Her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many daughters have done well,

But you excel them all.”

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,

And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Momma, I was forever blessed by your presence in my life and your legacy will carry on in this world.

Time

Time is fleeting

I just want her to stay

time is fleeting

pieces of my heart break away

Time is fleeting

I can't say goodbye,

time is fleeting

I may never know why,

time is fleeting

I pray and I pray,

time is fleeting

it takes my breath away,

time is fleeting

I just hold you near,

time is fleeting

one day a me without you will appear,

time is fleeting

I want it to stop,

time is fleeting

I brush my tears away,

but time is still fleeting.

I give my best, but I can't fix you.

I give my heart, but it isn't the cure.

-Me