Today Feels Heavy

Today marks 5 years since my mom's cancer diagnosis. I feel a little numb. All the time that's passed feels surreal. I very clearly remember her voice breaking slightly as she told us the news in a mid-day meeting she gathered us to during the week. At diagnosis time, I was scared and unsure. It's interesting what changes in a few years. I had no idea what she'd go through and that we'd lose her. I wish I could go back in time and step into that day, just not with that I know now or maybe with what I know. I remember crying and praying for her. If I could be in that spot with her now, I'd hold her hand, put my head on her shoulder, and promise her that I'd be there every step of the way, because that's what I did.

Cherished Time

In my heart and mind I do the things I wish I still could:

I close my eyes and lay my head on mom's shoulder while sitting next to her. She rolls her head over and there we sit in calm silence, just being together.

Her love language was quality time. I took me until my mid to late 20s to figure that out.

Interestingly enough that's my dad's love language too.

To make them both feel loved, I'd spend every Sunday after church with them until 10 when I'd drive over to my apartment.

With love language tanks full, we were ready for another week.

I miss those days, but am so grateful for all of them.

There's nothing I wouldn't give for a lazy Sunday afternoon with them.

Grief Journaling

Grief, Part 1

I cry for all the time I've lost with you.

All the memories I have to make without you.

____________________________________________________________

The person who loved me most and best is gone.

Without her I don't feel whole, myself, or fully loved.

I miss her so much that it's hard to breathe.

Song: All Things New by Big Daddy Weave

This song really resonates with me and what I'm going through now.

I Always Knew

I always knew you were a phenomenal mom.

I always knew we had a relationship that was truly special.

I always knew how blessed I was to have you as my mom.

I always knew you loved me.

I always knew you wanted me.

I always knew losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen.

And I was right, about it all.

June 5, 2021

Miss You

With every cell of my body, with every beat of my heart, I miss you.

Time spins on like nothing happened, while my world ground to a halt.

And as it should be, nothing is the same without you.

I long for times spent together.

I long for more time with you.

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much.

Homecoming

I think about what your homecoming to heaven was like.

I imagine you humbly laying a beautiful gold, bejeweled crown with intricate design at the feet of Jesus and hearing, "well done, good and faithful servant...enter now into the joy of your King."

I imagine you smiling with your bright eyes.

I imagine you eagerly greeting friends and family with a hug.

I imagine three of the happiest golden retrievers; our Franky, Max, and Riley following you around with wagging tails. I imagine you saying, "my boys!"

I imagine how free from the tether of an oxygen machine you are, walking and breathing with ease.

I imagine your hands outstretched and your eyes closed praising Jesus as you sing your heart out with the great heavenly choir.

I imagine you free from pain, cancer, lung disease, medicine, and doctor's appointments.

I find peace in knowing you're pain-free in heaven with God.

I will always miss you and can't wait until I see you again.

I love you, momma!

Time

Time is fleeting

I just want her to stay

time is fleeting

pieces of my heart break away

Time is fleeting

I can't say goodbye,

time is fleeting

I may never know why,

time is fleeting

I pray and I pray,

time is fleeting

it takes my breath away,

time is fleeting

I just hold you near,

time is fleeting

one day a me without you will appear,

time is fleeting

I want it to stop,

time is fleeting

I brush my tears away,

but time is still fleeting.

I give my best, but I can't fix you.

I give my heart, but it isn't the cure.

-Me

Grief

My heart breaks as three tears run a single path down my cheek. One month left is not enough. I can't catch my breath and groans from the depths of my anguished soul are sounds I've never heard from myself. Reminders of the news sweep in like waves, as do the tears. So many tears. Thirty days?! And somehow, I'm supposed to survive losing the first person to ever love me. Do not tell me to be strong, I must feel it all and express all my pain or get eaten alive by it. I'm nauseous and never want to eat again. I'd ask to have time frozen, if I thought I could make it happen. Cancer, the ticking timebomb, is running my world. I'm not okay with any of this and yet I have no say in the matter. I can't save her. I can't save me. I can't save our hearts from all the pain and all the pain to come. -Myranda Kimble

Book: Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

Early December, I started counseling for the first time ever. At that point, I'd spent the last year helping care for my mom as she battled cancer. At that point, I also had been living back home to help care for her for the last nine months. I was additionally on a 10-week leave from work as her need for care increased.

Here and there friends had suggested counseling with everything I had to deal with. My work covers the cost of eight sessions, so I finally took the plunge. While that's a whole other blog, it was my new therapist that recommended the book, Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. Previously, I hadn't heard of the book, but I recognized that the author was the CEO of Facebook.

The book was essentially about grief and living with option b, since option a was no longer an available, due to a loss. Sheryl Sandberg lost her husband suddenly while on vacation with their friends and family. They had young kids back at home at the time.

Several of things she experienced really resonated with me. First, she talked about the tragedy being "the elephant in the room," where some people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. They ask how your day is going, while meanwhile you're dealing with a major loss that is all-encompassing. Second, she talked about how some people are non-question asking. Meaning, that they never ask anything. Some really are self-focused while others don't know what to ask. Third, she introduced her readers to the Kvetching Order. I found it super interesting. So, for my family, my mom is in the center of the circle. In the next circle are those next closest to the situation; my dad and I. From there, it's my mom's family, friends, and my dad's family. It said that you need to take care of who is in the circle with you and work in from there. I can't take care of those in the outside circles. I found that really freeing.

Overall, I really loved this book and have recommended it to so many people. It was such a relief for me to be able to read something that resonated with what I've been experiencing. Sometimes, this journey feels a little lonely, but Option B made me feel a little less alone. Thank you, Sheryl Sandberg.