Today Feels Heavy

Today marks 5 years since my mom's cancer diagnosis. I feel a little numb. All the time that's passed feels surreal. I very clearly remember her voice breaking slightly as she told us the news in a mid-day meeting she gathered us to during the week. At diagnosis time, I was scared and unsure. It's interesting what changes in a few years. I had no idea what she'd go through and that we'd lose her. I wish I could go back in time and step into that day, just not with that I know now or maybe with what I know. I remember crying and praying for her. If I could be in that spot with her now, I'd hold her hand, put my head on her shoulder, and promise her that I'd be there every step of the way, because that's what I did.

Homecoming

I think about what your homecoming to heaven was like.

I imagine you humbly laying a beautiful gold, bejeweled crown with intricate design at the feet of Jesus and hearing, "well done, good and faithful servant...enter now into the joy of your King."

I imagine you smiling with your bright eyes.

I imagine you eagerly greeting friends and family with a hug.

I imagine three of the happiest golden retrievers; our Franky, Max, and Riley following you around with wagging tails. I imagine you saying, "my boys!"

I imagine how free from the tether of an oxygen machine you are, walking and breathing with ease.

I imagine your hands outstretched and your eyes closed praising Jesus as you sing your heart out with the great heavenly choir.

I imagine you free from pain, cancer, lung disease, medicine, and doctor's appointments.

I find peace in knowing you're pain-free in heaven with God.

I will always miss you and can't wait until I see you again.

I love you, momma!

Time

Time is fleeting

I just want her to stay

time is fleeting

pieces of my heart break away

Time is fleeting

I can't say goodbye,

time is fleeting

I may never know why,

time is fleeting

I pray and I pray,

time is fleeting

it takes my breath away,

time is fleeting

I just hold you near,

time is fleeting

one day a me without you will appear,

time is fleeting

I want it to stop,

time is fleeting

I brush my tears away,

but time is still fleeting.

I give my best, but I can't fix you.

I give my heart, but it isn't the cure.

-Me

Grief

My heart breaks as three tears run a single path down my cheek. One month left is not enough. I can't catch my breath and groans from the depths of my anguished soul are sounds I've never heard from myself. Reminders of the news sweep in like waves, as do the tears. So many tears. Thirty days?! And somehow, I'm supposed to survive losing the first person to ever love me. Do not tell me to be strong, I must feel it all and express all my pain or get eaten alive by it. I'm nauseous and never want to eat again. I'd ask to have time frozen, if I thought I could make it happen. Cancer, the ticking timebomb, is running my world. I'm not okay with any of this and yet I have no say in the matter. I can't save her. I can't save me. I can't save our hearts from all the pain and all the pain to come. -Myranda Kimble

Saying Goodbye to Max

Late summer, I wrote about my family's dog, Max's fight with cancer here. Late August we saw Max struggling more and my parent's took him back to K-State Vet Med, one of the top vet med school's in the country. We found out his liver was shutting down due to the cancer and he had 3-4 weeks left. That hit hard. We started him on 24/7 pain meds.

The good thing about knowing Max had cancer was that we got to shower him with love every day. We cherished every moment with him. Though the vet gave him 3-4 weeks, no one told Max that and he continued to fight with everything he had. How he fought so long, I'll never know. Despite his pain, he still greeted me every day with a wagging tail. He enjoyed time outside in the golden sunlight of fall and being petted.

The beginning of the semester is very hectic for me at work. By mid-September we felt that time with Max was drawing to a close, so I went to work every day and spent every night at my parent's to get more time in with Max and try to help out a little. About two weeks ago, I came home to my parent's and Max didn't seem excited to see me like normal. I attributed it to him being sick, but was still sad. He must've know that I missed his attention, because that next morning he busted into my room and laid next to my bed so I could pet him. Though I was now up much earlier than planned, I was so grateful he sought me out and came to spend time with me. In a nutshell, that's Max; always giving love.

He struggled moving and over time didn't have the strength for his beloved walks. So, my parents chauffeured him around the yard for one last walk. Max was so excited as was Max's brother, Riley.

Max

Max was a happy puppy. His tail was always wagging. My dad joked that he had a "happy ending" because of his ever-wagging tail. Though considerably smaller than his brother, Riley, Max took charge as the alpha male. Despite that, he's always been eager to please. He is also a mama's boy. When mom has been away from home, he'd go on a hunger strike. When he comes in from outside, he searches the house until finding mom. He needs constant love. He loves riding in my dad's truck and seeing how many toys/"babies" he can fit in his mouth.

The last couple rough, Kansas winters have been hard on the little guy. Mom says he's stiff and moans in his sleep. She tries to keep him warm. This spring, he started getting a growth on his tummy area and didn't want to eat. Long story short, he was bleeding into his tummy. They removed a tumor, his spleen, and most of his liver. Our slightly over 50lb. dog had over 10% of his body removed that were two types of cancer. The liver tumor was slow-growing, but the other was fast.

Three months after surgery, the vet said he doesn't have much time left; 3-4 weeks at best. The cancer has consumed his liver. The tumors continue to grow. Despite the pain he's in, he's still active and loves to go exploring outside. He's on meds for pain. He's such a fighter, but time is fleeting.

I wish I could freeze time. The end is nearer than I can bear. #heartbreaking I wish there was something I could do to take away the pain. I pray again and again for Max; that the cancer will leave, that he won't be in pain, that he'll know how much we love him.

I'm reminded of all the things he's taught me: joy in the small things, greet everyone with a smile, let your friends and family know how happy you are to see them every day, and every day is good for a walk.

Being an Only Child

I grew up as an only child. When my single mom got married, they wanted, but weren't able to have more kids. Often I'm asked by people with a young child to share my thoughts on it. Mainly they want me to say that I'm glad I didn't have siblings. As a child, I was happy to be the only child; I didn't have to share my parents. I wasn't spoiled with new cars and vacations like most people assume; my parents wanted me to learn the value of working hard for things like they did, which I now appreciate.

As I've gotten older, I realize what being an only child will really mean for me. When my dad went through a TIA (pre-stroke) and later cance,r I felt like I needed to be at all major appointments and obviously surgery. When my mom was suffering from and finally diagnosed with a lung disease I was there for all key appointments and when she had a lung biopsy (one of the most trying times in my life). The burden of my concern for them and the seriousness of each of their health issues jolted my whole life. They both told me I didn't have to be there for everything, but I did. I felt a great responsibility to be there to care for and comfort them. For these reasons and God's leading in my life, I've decided to spend my life in my hometown, near my family. I knew I would regret not being there if I ever moved away and I've realized I couldn't live with it. I asked my mom if all only children feel this way and she thought it was probably just me and the responsibility I put on myself. Since I'm the only child, I feel I should be there for them and I want to.

What is difficult is not having someone to go through this with. Not having someone to talk through things with that really know what I'm going through, someone to split responsibilities with. I get that some only children might have a significant other to go through this with, but I don't and it's hard. I know one day I'll have to possibly make some hard decisions essentially alone and that thought is overwhelming. I do find comfort in that God is always with me, so essentially I'm not alone, but having a sibling would be nice.

Also, I feel more responsibility to take care of myself since I'm all my parents have. I can't be reckless ever or at least I feel I can't be. They always tell me to be careful and stay safe, literally every time I talk to them. So, no cliff diving for me ;) To be a little more serious, I know I'm huge part of their world and that I have to be around for them.

In the end, everyone must make a decision on what they think is best for there family, but I would never plan to only have one child. There are definitely more challenges and things you have to think about is deciding what's best for your family. If you ask me how many kids I want, it's always been 4. Essentially the opposite of one child.

Do you have any thoughts on the subject? I'd love to hear!

What I'm Thankful For

I literally could spend hours listing all my blessing, because they are many. I'll try to keep this short and sweet.
I'm thankful for:

my parents; I haven't always appreciated them, but God has given me many circumstances that have helped me realize how blessed I am to have them in my life. When my dad had a TIA (pre-stroke), I realized just how much of a hole would be missing in my life without him. Whatever sense of humor I have; I got it from him. Any car maintenance, moving, or support I need he's always there, ready to lend a hand. His cancer bout several years ago brought us all much closer. Though he'll never be quite the same from the surgery, I'm just happy he's still here. My mom is the calm, steady rock in our family. Her lung disease diagnosis last year rocked our world. Despite the pain and lack of energy, she was still positive. What a blessing. We're all living with a new normal, but the point is that we're still living. Just over five years ago, I faced an trying nine months of doctors doing many test but not knowing what was wrong with me. Between the pain and steriods I didn't feel like myself. My parents had to help me with everything; carrying my groceries, opening things for me, and they drove me to every out-of-town doctors appointment and there were many. Rheumatoid arthritis has been a difficult journey, but I'm thankful for the company God has given me along the way. I'm so blessed that I get to see my parents at least once a week. I love going home!

my grandma; she's a strong woman. When I feel too old to do something, I remember that in her mid-30s with 6 kids, she put herself through nursing school to become an LPN and make a better life for her family. Despite being on a fixed-income, she is always generous with whatever she has. It doesn't matter what time you come to her house she always offers you food and drink; you never leave hungry. She's also pretty wise; always reminding me to "take it one day at a time" and to pray and ask the Lord for help.

both sides of my family which are really close. I know, if I ever needed anything they'd be right there ready to help. Over the years, I've realized not all families are like this.

our fur faces, Max and Riley. They're always happy to see me when I come home, but then again, they're always pretty happy. Reminds me to enjoy the simple things like the sunshine, time together with friends or family, fresh air, a treat, or a nap. ;)

my job; through it I get to impart on students what I'm passionate about: workforce development/professional development. I've also made great friends through my job. In just over a year, I've had experiences I never would've dreamed of: grad school, being in a commercial, and being a K-State Track and Field official. I'm definitely blessed to be at K-State.

friends. Though my friends are ever-cycling out of town, I'm thankful for the time I've had with each of them. I appreciate their perspectives and companionship on this journey through life.

In no way whatsoever, is this a complete list of everything I'm thankful for; like stars in the sky, my blessings are innumberable.