Thursday, September 30, 2021

Grief, Part 1

I cry for all the time I've lost with you.

All the memories I have to make without you.

____________________________________________________________

The person who loved me most and best is gone.

Without her I don't feel whole, myself, or fully loved.

I miss her so much that it's hard to breathe.

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Song: All Things New by Big Daddy Weave

This song really resonates with me and what I'm going through now.

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

I Always Knew

I always knew you were a phenomenal mom.

I always knew we had a relationship that was truly special.

I always knew how blessed I was to have you as my mom.

I always knew you loved me.

I always knew you wanted me.

I always knew losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen.

And I was right, about it all.

June 5, 2021

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Miss You

With every cell of my body, with every beat of my heart, I miss you.

Time spins on like nothing happened, while my world ground to a halt.

And as it should be, nothing is the same without you.

I long for times spent together.

I long for more time with you.

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Homecoming

I think about what your homecoming to heaven was like.

I imagine you humbly laying a beautiful gold, bejeweled crown with intricate design at the feet of Jesus and hearing, "well done, good and faithful servant...enter now into the joy of your King."

I imagine you smiling with your bright eyes.

I imagine you eagerly greeting friends and family with a hug.

I imagine three of the happiest golden retrievers; our Franky, Max, and Riley following you around with wagging tails. I imagine you saying, "my boys!"

I imagine how free from the tether of an oxygen machine you are, walking and breathing with ease.

I imagine your hands outstretched and your eyes closed praising Jesus as you sing your heart out with the great heavenly choir.

I imagine you free from pain, cancer, lung disease, medicine, and doctor's appointments.

I find peace in knowing you're pain-free in heaven with God.

I will always miss you and can't wait until I see you again.

I love you, momma!

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Eulogy for My Mom

My sweet momma, Tanya Ayon Kimble passed away on June 23, 2021. This is the eulogy I wrote for her:

Thank you for coming to honor the life of my precious momma and support my family. As I wrote this, it felt so wrong to speak in past tense about the most vibrant and alive person I’ve ever known. Last Saturday, as we learned that she probably only had days left, she slept all day and I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear her voice again. As I sat beside her and cried, I wrote these words:

I pray you felt my prayers,

I pray you felt my love as I tracked your meds,

as I rearranged your flowers.

I prayed God’s peace and love over you through your labored breaths.

I will always want one more smile,

one more hug,

one more look into those brown eyes,

one more ‘I love you,”

one more time you say my name

and one more time you hold my hand.

And God in His grace gave me most of those precious things that my heart needed and I will always be grateful.

Mom did everything well, especially her brisket 😊, but as a mom she outdid herself. She was empathetic, generous, selfless, loving, and tender. She was born to be a mom and I’m ever grateful to God that she was mine. Anything good in me is from God and her. As I’ve thought about all I would lose in her passing, I’ve challenged myself to grow in the ways I admired her, as an extension of her legacy and I challenge you to do that as well.

First, the cornerstone of my mom’s life was her faith. Seeing her rely on Christ for strength throughout her life and in recent years with her health challenges has been a beautiful testimony.

She never feared death. Assured that because of her faith in Christ and having given Him her life, she knew she would be in heaven with God in the instant she breathed her final breath on this earth. That brought her and our family so much peace.

Mom was a prayer warrior. She would spend most nights praying for everyone she could think of. If she said she was praying for you, then you knew she was. She didn’t worry—she prayed.

She was also was an encourager, reminding us of God’s promises.

She had Christian music playing on her phone all the time and each night listened to scripture for hours. She carried the truths of scripture in her heart and reminded anyone around her of their words. She found peace in His Word. Trying to pick her favorite scriptures to highlight for this service was one of the hardest things. I asked her what her favorite Bible verse was and she picked the whole book of Proverbs. That was Momma—a lover of the Word of God.

Second, there was always so much warmth, love, fun, and joy in her smile and eyes. I’ll never forget the day she took my cousins and me sledding. As we left, she did donuts in the parking lot in her giant Ford LTD. She knew how to have a good time! She loved to laugh and I loved making her laugh. She lived life with fullness and purpose and I know she wants that for me too.

Third, she didn’t worry about the future, but entrusted it to God and lived in the present. She had a genuine love for people and so much empathy, even throughout her battle with cancer. What I found unique about her love was that you didn’t have to do anything to earn it, she just loved freely. She befriended people, added folks to her prayer list, and wrapped us all in her godly outlook on life. I find strength in this moment that I can live in faith that we will be reunited in eternity.

Fourth, our family always joked that the dreamers were my mom and her brother, my Uncle Ted. While sometimes we would roll our eyes and smile at their pie in the sky dreams, it was beautiful, all the things they believed were possible. Their optimism lifted us all. She taught me to dream, no matter how impossible the dream seemed to be. Though, I’m normally a practical thinker, I’m going to dream, just like my mom taught me.

I’ll end with a scripture from her favorite book which mirrors the life she lived, Proverbs 31:28-31:

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;

Her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many daughters have done well,

But you excel them all.”

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,

And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Momma, I was forever blessed by your presence in my life and your legacy will carry on in this world.

Friday, June 18, 2021

Time

Time is fleeting

I just want her to stay

time is fleeting

pieces of my heart break away

Time is fleeting

I can't say goodbye,

time is fleeting

I may never know why,

time is fleeting

I pray and I pray,

time is fleeting

it takes my breath away,

time is fleeting

I just hold you near,

time is fleeting

one day a me without you will appear,

time is fleeting

I want it to stop,

time is fleeting

I brush my tears away,

but time is still fleeting.

I give my best, but I can't fix you.

I give my heart, but it isn't the cure.

-Me

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Music I'm Enjoying

I'm in a weird season of life, as evidenced from my last post.

Here's music that's resonating with me now:

Hold Us Together-H.E.R. and Tauren Wells

Talking to Jesus-Elevation & Maverick City

When We Fall Apart-Ryan Stevenson

Speak to the Mountains-Chris McClarney

Anchor-Hulvey

Truth be Told-Matthew West, Carly Pearce

Monday, May 17, 2021

Grief

My heart breaks as three tears run a single path down my cheek. One month left is not enough. I can't catch my breath and groans from the depths of my anguished soul are sounds I've never heard from myself. Reminders of the news sweep in like waves, as do the tears. So many tears. Thirty days?! And somehow, I'm supposed to survive losing the first person to ever love me. Do not tell me to be strong, I must feel it all and express all my pain or get eaten alive by it. I'm nauseous and never want to eat again. I'd ask to have time frozen, if I thought I could make it happen. Cancer, the ticking timebomb, is running my world. I'm not okay with any of this and yet I have no say in the matter. I can't save her. I can't save me. I can't save our hearts from all the pain and all the pain to come. -Myranda Kimble

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Next Best Thing Podcast by Emily P. Freeman

A friend and I met for lunch and shared our favorite podcasts. Over the last year, I've really gotten into listening to podcasts. I'm also always looking for recommendations, so I added her suggested podcasts. In my friend's recommendation, I found a podcast that brings me peace and helpful introspection. The podcast is The Next Best Thing with Emily P. Freeman. She has the best voice, it's so soothing that I could listen to her all day long. Her podcasts are roughly 10-20 minutes long and just the perfect length for her to impart many thought-provoking sentiments. Additionally, I appreciate that her podcast is faith-based. I love the honest way she speaks. There's a realness to her that I so appreciate.

Here are some of her thought-provoking sayings, so you can get a feel for her work:

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Book: Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

Early December, I started counseling for the first time ever. At that point, I'd spent the last year helping care for my mom as she battled cancer. At that point, I also had been living back home to help care for her for the last nine months. I was additionally on a 10-week leave from work as her need for care increased.

Here and there friends had suggested counseling with everything I had to deal with. My work covers the cost of eight sessions, so I finally took the plunge. While that's a whole other blog, it was my new therapist that recommended the book, Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. Previously, I hadn't heard of the book, but I recognized that the author was the CEO of Facebook.

The book was essentially about grief and living with option b, since option a was no longer an available, due to a loss. Sheryl Sandberg lost her husband suddenly while on vacation with their friends and family. They had young kids back at home at the time.

Several of things she experienced really resonated with me. First, she talked about the tragedy being "the elephant in the room," where some people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. They ask how your day is going, while meanwhile you're dealing with a major loss that is all-encompassing. Second, she talked about how some people are non-question asking. Meaning, that they never ask anything. Some really are self-focused while others don't know what to ask. Third, she introduced her readers to the Kvetching Order. I found it super interesting. So, for my family, my mom is in the center of the circle. In the next circle are those next closest to the situation; my dad and I. From there, it's my mom's family, friends, and my dad's family. It said that you need to take care of who is in the circle with you and work in from there. I can't take care of those in the outside circles. I found that really freeing.

Overall, I really loved this book and have recommended it to so many people. It was such a relief for me to be able to read something that resonated with what I've been experiencing. Sometimes, this journey feels a little lonely, but Option B made me feel a little less alone. Thank you, Sheryl Sandberg.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

My Summer of Purple Hair

Growing up, people didn't dye their hair often and even if they did, my parents wouldn't allow it. Once, I could make my own choices it was too late and my professional jobs wouldn't allow colored hair. So, I was stuck. I even guilted my mom about how I could never dye it. Enter the pandemic, which with work from home options allowed me to explore purple hair.

What I was hoping for was this...

So, I started out at the salon where I dropped a ton of money for purple hair.

Ten days later, it'd morphed into this.

Then I went back to the salon and got it reglazed to the best color yet.

Here were the phases of my purple hair:

To try to get it more purple, my stylist recommended I buy colored conditioner from Overtone.

It cost $29 and was backordered for a bit. When it arrived, it was easy to use, smelled like spearmint, and worked like a charm. The 8oz. container lasted for three applications and gave me the color I wanted for longer or until I had to dye it back for work. ;)

I truly enjoyed my summer of purple hair. I got lot of compliments and I had fun. I wish I could dye it another fun color. If I have to opportunity to dye it again, I'll definitely save some cash and use Overtone from the start.

Monday, January 18, 2021

Book: Everything Beautiful in Its Time by Jenna Bush Hager

Before Jenna Bush Hager's book, Everything Beautiful in Its Time: Seasons of Love and Loss, I'd never read anything that she wrote. As I've gotten back into reading books, I decided to start the year reading her book. I'm not quite sure what I expected from her writing, but I did think it'd be more political than it was.

I felt like through the book, I came to understand Jenna's personality, life, and family more. The book is about her relationships with her four grandparents and how each relationship was different. Some of the beauty of her relationships is that they wrote letters to each other which is a rare and beautiful gift. Her grandparents all died within about a year of each other and there were many things she mourned about losing each one.

She also shares about her close relationship with her sister and parents which is sweet. Her and her husband have built a cute, little family and it was fun to see her perspective of life. This book was definitely heart-warming and sweet. It was a really easy, fast read and I was actually a little sad to finish it and would definitely recommend this read to others.

Now, I'm looking forward to reading other books that Jenna Bush Hager has written.

My goal this year is to read one book per month. The next book I'm reading is Option B by Sheryl Sandburg and Adam Grant. So far, I LOVE it!

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

The Crown

With much more free time and boredom over the pandemic, my mom and I quickly got addicted to The Crown. My aunt recommended it, so we took the plunge. Seasons 1 and 2 made us really empathize with Queen Elizabeth and her alienating position. It's hard to believe everything she went through with her plandering husband and wild sister, Margaret. She was so young with so much responsibility.

Season 1

Season 2

These first two seasons also made me come to really respect Winston Churchill and to find him endearing in a way.

Season 3

We were not prepared for season 3. In it were all new actors to represent the now much-older royals. We didn't think the new actors even remotely resembled who they were supposed to. The new queen actually looked like an older version of Margaret. These types of changes need to be made much more thoughtfully.

Season 3 also featured a much less likeable queen. We see her as an uncaring mother. We see Margaret have an affair. We see Winston Churchill pass away. We see Charles meet and fall for Camilla. We see Anne as promiscious. Just a rough season overall.

In the fall, the new season 4 was aired on Netflixs, but I don't have an account, So, now we have to wait until season 4 comes out on DVD. I'm nervous for season 4 since season 3 was so rough. We'll see.

Season 4

Have you watched the Crown? Do you like it?