Five years ago, this weekend I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 24. The anniversary of my diagnosis is bittersweet to say the least. You see, it took nine very painful months to come to a diagnosis.
It all started December of 2007. I was 23, had graduated from college one year before, and was working in my "first real job." A couple of mornings I woke and noticed that my hands were numb. I figured, I must of slept on them. After awhile, I realized that every morning my hands were numb and there was no way I was sleeping of my hands every night. So, I went to my doctor. They ran some blood tests. What you should know about my doctor is that he's great at what he does, but in no way is a small talker. It's all business with him and since he's as good as he is I don't mind. So, I knew something was off when he called me at home that night and was making small talk. He said my blood test showed something that may be along the lines of rheumatoid arthritis. He referred me to a rheumatologist.
I was blessed to get a great rheumatologist. Unfortunately, he's out of town. He ran a ton of blood tests, but nothing was conclusive. Meanwhile, the pain was now in more joints. It affected everything I did. The pain was in my fingers, shoulders, wrists, elbows, and feet. It was so bad that rolling over in the night would wake me because the pain. So, the pills started; pain pills, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, diuretics, depression meds, and steroids. The pain was so intense, even walking hurt. My fingers were so swollen that I couldn't open water bottles and could barely writing; my hands were essentially like lobster claws.
During this waiting time, I had lots of appointments with my specialist and lots of tests. My mom would take me to my appointments and I was so exhausted I would sleep the whole hour there and back. I had such a hard time, my parents had to help carry my laundry basket to my room for me. We'd go to the store and my mom would have to carry all the grocery bags. I've always been a hard stick when it comes to getting blood taken and with the continual blood tests I began having anxiety over it. I often thought of quitting my job, because I was in so much pain I could hardly focus at work, but I needed my insurance.
When your life gets turned around so fast, it's hard. You just want to live, but the future looks so bleak and scary. These were trying days for me, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some days all I could pray was "God help me." I know He did. The prospect of my life being like this forever was overwhelming. In all actuality, I know I made it solely through prayers and the grace of God.
I feel like despite the hardships we all face in life, if we learn something from it, the pain isn't wasted. I learned a lot from this experience. My whole life I'd always been scared to try new things, but at the prospect of a life incapacitated with pain I prayed for another chance. I swore that if given another chance, I would do all the things I'd always wanted to do. I wouldn't wait and make excuses, I would live life now, because you never know when everything will be taken away. I also learned to appreciate my parents. I'd always known they were great parents, but my appreciation grew so much for them and our bond became stronger than ever before. I needed help with so many things, still they never complained and were a great source of support for me.
So, my diagosis the end of August 2008, was really a blessing. Now that they knew what they were treating they could start me on meds. I remember the anticipation and hope that came along with those shots. I didn't know what to expect, but I hoped against hope that I could have a life without pain.
As I write this, all of the emotions come back to me like a flood. Thinking through this time in my life brings tears, but also thankfulness. Starting the meds for my RA was everything I'd ever hoped for. Once I started the new meds, it was literally like the nine months previous had been an awful nightmare. The pain was gone. I could use my hands, I could sign my name, I could walk without pain. I vowed then and there to live my life to the fullest now, because I never knew when my health would be taken away again. So, I did all the things I'd ever wanted to do. I signed up for a knitting class and learned that I hated knitting. :) I signed up for ballroom dancing, even though I didn't have a partner. And believe or not, I signed up for boxing and fell in love with it. Through my new-found lease on life and boxing, I aspired to lose the weight I'd gained from steroids and my love of food. You know what? I did it. Over the course of two years, through much dedication and sweat; I lost 55lbs.
I'd like to say that's the last time I ever thought about my new diagnosis, but it's not. I deal with the effects of it daily. I've had surgery because of it and live with exercise retrictions that would make you think I'm elderly, but be assured that I am always pushing my body for more. I feel best when I'm active and at a healthy weight. My life will forever be different. I am forever grateful to God for a second chance. I am grateful for the wonderful family, church family, coworkers, friends, and fellow RA fighters who share this journey with me. This experience has changed me more that I think even I will ever know. Like the line of Amazing Grace, by John Newton says, "Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home."
